Bonkers Page 22

  I do.

  I ‘ve realised that to start to reclaim our right to enjoy motherhood we all need to be mentally fit for it – and this starts at home. It starts with us. It means ensuring that we as women are empowered to deal with whatever motherhood throws at us by being as prepared as possible – physically and mentally. It means every mum being prepared to embrace the magical and overwhelmingly joyous times of motherhood and being equally prepared to withstand and overcome the challenges too. Whatever form these challenges take, from the judgement we feel as mums, to the pressures of living up to the ‘perfect parenting’ images that bombard us and the mummy guilt those images create and mean we feel we do not quite meet the mark. To the strains and complex emotions and anxieties motherhood can instil in us. The changes our relationships go through and the lasting effects that becoming a mum can have on both our physical and mental well being.

  I passionately believe that if we all stand strong against the pressures and judgement we are putting ourselves under; if we buck the trend and instead start to celebrate all our mummy wins, rather than concentrate on our perceived ‘failures’; if we turn the ‘Oh, no, we didn’t leave the house all day today’ to ‘I’ve managed to keep my tiny human alive, fed and cuddled’ – then our mum lives would be an easier place to reside. We would be armed to face the emotional pressure when we leave the front door, switch on the TV, open a magazine or read a Facebook status.

  So how about we all make a promise? Not to the world or even to each other. But a promise to ourselves. How about every mum reading this right now (me included) promises herself that we will stop putting ourselves through all the judgmental crap and instead give ourselves a break? Ease off the pressure.

  How about we promise to actually like ourselves more? To say, you know what, we are doing a bloody amazing job. I am proud of you.

  How about instead of listening to the negative press we give ourselves, we instead shout from the rooftops:

  I AM enough.

  I AM worthy.

  I AM doing a good job.

  I AM a fantastic MUM.

  Because you know what, my lovely friend?

  YOU ARE!

  xxxxx

  ENDNOTE

  AU REVOIR FOR NOW

  Wow, my lovely, we made it. We have shared everything – and I mean everything, from my poo pants of shame through to seeing demons flying around my house and everything in between and thereafter. Thank you so much for sticking with me through it all and enduring some of the more cringeworthy of tales and the most toe-curling of honest confessions. You are bloody awesome and I think it’s fair to say we are now mates for life.

  I really hope you’ve enjoyed spending this time together, and I really hope too that if there was anything sucking your enjoyment of motherhood, reading this book has helped you (even in some small way) to start to reclaim it. Most importantly, I hope it’s given you some honest insights, nonjudgmental support and a few good laughs along the way.

  I hope more than anything that you are in a good place right now, and if you’re not, that you know you’re not alone, that there is a way to feel good again and back to being you.

  As for me, well I am currently sitting at home during the summer holidays (no sniff of child care within a hundred-mile radius), putting the finishing touches to the book and trying not to puke with panic and fear that you are not going to enjoy it. All whilst my now four-and-a-half-year-old and three-year-old chase each other around the coffee table, dressed as Finding Dory and trying to give each other felt-tip pen tattoos (wish me luck!).

  Tiny human tattoos aside, I’m happy and unbelievably relieved to tell you that I am in a strong place with my maternal mental health. I feel well and more mentally fit than ever before. Jamie, the girls and I are all doing great. We feel that we are at the start of a new chapter together, which has made us, for the first time in a long time, feel excited for what’s to come next. Most importantly, we feel happy. Happy for the future, happy for our little family, and happy to be sharing it all together, just the four of us, no unwanted guests of the dark demon or depression variety in sight.

  Day to day, I’m taking care of my two tiny humans and running my blog and Facebook groups, which are as busy as ever and filled with the most supportive and nonjudgmental mums I’ve ever had the pleasure to meet (if only virtually). The Every Mum Movement I launched earlier this year is going from strength to strength, gaining some high profile support and seeing me be all grown up and attending a variety of advisory discussion groups for the likes of NHS Health Education England, the Department of Health and visits to the Houses of Parliament. Where, believe it or not, I get to talk to influential people about my experiences of maternal mental health, all whilst dressed in heels(!) and clothes not covered in tiny human debris. (OK, you got me – less than the usual tiny human debris at least.)

  I’m not ashamed to admit that whilst battling my mental illness and taking care of my tiny humans I lost myself along the way. I lost my confidence in myself and in what made me who I am. What made me Olivia. Not Olivia the wife or Olivia the mum but Olivia the person, with ideas, dreams and ambitions all of her very own, independent of family life. I have felt for a long time like a jigsaw puzzle with a few missing pieces and it’s only since writing this book and starting The Every Mum Movement that I have started to feel like me again. Like a real life person, following her own path and her own ambitions.

  The illness snatched away a lot of valuable things from me, which at the time I thought were lost forever. It stripped me of my self-belief and confidence. In a weird twist of fate, though, it also gifted me with a ferocious drive to ‘do something’. It made me look at motherhood and parenting, and made me realise that there are so many areas of this experience that we feel too ashamed, too guilty or too silly to talk about. It made me decide to do something to change this so that other mums and mums to be are as well equipped as possible for this bonkers, wonderful and exhausting world of parenting. No judgement!

  As a fellow woman and mum who has struggled with her mental health and experienced the judgement, pressures and guilt we can all feel as mums, I feel it is my duty to do all that I can to ensure other women have nonjudgmental support throughout their journey into motherhood and beyond. Not just in terms of being aware of their maternal mental health but in terms of ensuring every mum feels mentally fit to deal with the judgement and pressures to which we can find ourselves subjected. I want to let you and every mum out there know that you have me and a whole army of every mum allies in your corner all supporting you – no judgement!

  Every mum deserves the right to enjoy motherhood. Let’s do all we can to support one another to ensure that we all get to enjoy this right.

  Love Liv xx

  ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

  I have so many amazing people to thank for making this book a living breathing reality. I’ve been lucky enough to have two fantastic editors, therefore want to firstly say a HUGE thank you to my editor and friend Lucy Gilmour for believing in me and my writing from the very beginning and for turning my childhood dream of writing a book into a reality and to Rachel Kenny for listening to all my rambles and worries and offering fantastic advice and support along the way. A special thank you to my sister Natalie (and Ratfink) for being my fiercely honest and supportive additional editors of the book and for helping me breathe through the panic attacks of it finally getting published and to my amazing friends who have been on hand to read through bits of the book and brainstorm endless title ideas. (A special thank to Nicky, Vix and Emily for supporting my writing from the very start, to Sazza for your continued support and for letting me convince you to run 15K with me to raise awareness of PND despite never running before, and to Rebecca who would turn up on my doorstep and get me out of the house during some of my darkest days – I love you all!)

  To my bro, Harry, and sis-in-law, Jenny, for your continued support and dedication to keeping me and Jamie well stocked in much needed vino fuelled party ni
ghts in our lounge when we couldn’t find babysitters and for never thinking any of my ideas were ever too ‘BONKERS’.

  My battles with my maternal mental health stole a lot of precious things from me, however, they also gifted me with some incredibly special people too, therefore I would like to say a big thank you to my “mental health family” for being so wonderful, supportive and down right kick ass - you are all a true inspiration! (A special thank you to Emma Borg, founder of Acacia Family Support, Mental Health Campaigners Mark Williams, Eve Cavanan BEM, Lindsay Robinson, Nuala Murthy and Kate Dyson, founder of the Motherload – you have all been my much-needed rock at some point along this journey and I am proud to call you friends!) I would also like to thank the charity Mind for encouraging and supporting me to speak about my experiences of maternal mental health and to the wonderful Claire and Ellie in the Mind media team who, after years of talking on the phone and over email, I now get to call friends.

  To my amazing mum, dad, Auntie Mary and Uncle Ernie for their unconditional support throughout my 39 years and for teaching me to believe that I can do anything I set my mind to (even write a book!), if I can provide the girls with even half of the wonderful things you’ve provided me with I will know I’ve done my job well.

  I would also like to say an incredibly special thank you to all the incredible women (aka The No Bull Mums) who follow my blog and Facebook group. Words are simply not enough to thank you for the friendship, support and laughter you have given me over the last four years.

  Finally, my last thanks go to my awesome husband and my beautiful, kind and headstrong little girls, thank you for everything, for believing in me, for always being there for me and for giving me the honour of being called your wife and your mummy. All three of you are my reason and I can’t wait to see what the next chapter holds - “Love you in the whole wide world”.

  USEFUL RESOURCES

  NATIONAL PREMATURE BIRTH AND CHILD BEREAVEMENT ORGANISATIONS

  Bliss

  www.bliss.org.uk

  Tommy’s

  www.tommys.org

  Child Bereavement UK

  www.childbereavementuk.org

  SANDS

  www.sands.org.uk

  NATIONAL MATERNAL MENTAL HEALTH ORGANISATIONS

  After being diagnosed with PND I wish I’d had a check list of all the support organisations and websites I could have looked at, not only to find out more about the illness I was dealing with, but to also hear stories of other mums who were also going through or had been through what I was experiencing. The difference this would have made to my recovery and quality of life in general would have been immeasurable. Therefore, I’ve put together a list below of the organisations I’ve come across both in a personal and professional capacity over the last few years to help any mum reading this who currently needs some support or who would like to find out more about maternal mental health:

  The Every Mum Movement

  www.everymummovement.com

  The Maternal Mental Health Alliance

  www.maternalmentalhealthalliance.org

  Mind

  www.mind.org.uk

  APNI (Association of Post-Natal Illness)

  www.apni.org

  APP (Action on Postpartum Psychosis)

  www.app-network.org

  The Birth Trauma Association

  www.birthtraumaassociation.org.uk

  The Samaritans

  www.samaritans.org

  Time to Change

  www.time-to-change.org.uk

  Online support and maternal mental health blogs

  Below is a list of my top favourite blogs that talk honestly and openly when it comes to motherhood and mental health, including The Baby Blog I set up when battling through my experiences of Postnatal Depression and Postpartum Psychosis:

  The Baby Bible

  www.the-baby-bible.com

  PND & ME

  www.pndandme.co.uk

  Smalltime Mum

  www.smalltimemum1.wordpress.com

  Have you Seen That Girl?

  www.haveyouseenthatgirl.com

  GLOSSARY

  The following information has been taken from the Maternal Mental Health Alliance Website. For further information on all types of perinatal mental illnesses, their symptoms and treatment please visit: www.maternalmentalhealthalliance.org or www.nhs.uk

  WHAT IS A PERINATAL MENTAL ILLNESS?

  Perinatal mental health refers to a woman’s mental health during pregnancy and the first year after birth. This includes mental illness existing before pregnancy, as well as illnesses that develop for the first time, or are greatly exacerbated in the perinatal period.

  Examples of perinatal mental illness include antenatal depression, postnatal depression, anxiety, perinatal obsessive compulsive disorder, postpartum psychosis and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). These illnesses can be mild, moderate or severe, requiring different kinds of care or treatment.

  WHAT IS POSTNATAL DEPRESSION?

  Postnatal Depression is a depressive illness which affects between 10 to 15 in every 100 women having a baby. The symptoms are similar to those in depression at other times. These include low mood and other symptoms lasting at least two weeks. Depending on the severity, you may struggle to look after yourself and your baby. You may find simple tasks difficult to manage.

  Sometimes there is an obvious reason for PND, but not always. You may feel distressed, or guilty for feeling like this, as you expected to be happy about having a baby. However, PND can happen to anyone and it is not your fault.

  WHAT IS POSTPARTUM PSYCHOSIS?

  This is the most severe type of mental illness that happens after having a baby. It affects around 1 in 1000 women and starts within days or weeks of childbirth. It can develop in a few hours and can be life-threatening, so needs urgent treatment.

  There are many symptoms that may occur. Your mood may be high or low and there are often rapid mood swings. Women often experience psychotic symptoms. They may believe things that are not true (delusions) or see or hear things that are not there (hallucinations).

  This illness always needs medical help and support. You may have to go into hospital. Ideally, this should be to a specialist mother and baby unit where your baby can go with you. Although postpartum psychosis is a serious condition, the vast majority of women make a full recovery.